(“Have you noticed how often Life Imitates Farce?”)

At my book signing at the USDF convention, a Dover Saddlery exec asked me, “Are you interested in new products?”

I (owner of a rotary cell phone and a pair of dress shoes I bought 38 years ago) responded in the negative.

“We’re always looking for professionals who have their finger on the pulse of what their clients would be interested in,” she explained.

I stared at her blankly.

She tried again: “What brand of saddle do you recommend?”

“I usually tell people to ask my wife,” I countered. I then went on to recount trying once years ago to order a new girth over the phone. I knew the catalog page, the model, the item number, the description, and the size. I was stumped when the salesperson asked, “What color?”

“Color?” That hadn’t occurred to me.

“Yes,” she said helpfully, “What color is your saddle?”

I thought a bit. “What do you mean?”

“Is it black or brown?” she prompted.

Imagining it in my mind as “saddle colored,” I had to respond, “Well, I’m not really sure. . . I never looked.”

At that point the woman at the convention began to see me in a different light and she slowly backed away both physically and from the idea that I could be of any use to her.

Why clutter up my mind with stuff like this? I have to save space in it for Warren Spahn’s won-lost record, old Bee Gees’ lyrics, and the names of all the state capitals. Besides, how can I be seriously interested in new products when some of the ideas being peddled are, well, so pathetic?

Have you noticed how often Life Imitates Farce. That’s probably why this new product, whose description was just sent to me, can be marketed with a straight face.

Yes, it’s . . .

“Thinline Seat Shim Inserts [which] offer comfort, protection, and balance. Just where you need it! The engineering of ThinLine® meets the genius of FITS for a simple, low cost solution to comfort and equitation issues.”

Excuse me, “balance and equitation issues?” You mean like sitting off-center and collapsing a hip? Wow, with my Thinline Seat Shim Inserts™ I don’t have to worry about my posture ever again! I can construct little butt wedges to make the world a reverse image of my sorry, pretzeled body, and no one will know the difference.

So, now I’m a convert, and I’m camping by the mail box, waiting for the next dressage catalog to arrive. I hear it’s going to be featuring smoke and mirrors.