(“Telescoping?” “Aerodynamic?” “Ergonomically tailored?”)
Okay, this is not the lecture that starts with “You solve your horse’s problems with better aids, not hunting in your tack trunk for a better bit.” And I’d also like to go on record as saying that I think some gadgets—the kitchen gizmo that slices your hard-boiled eggs, for instance—are great things.
But when it comes to hyped-up, “newly designed,” labor saving, “here’s-the-modern-way” products for riders, leave me out.
It probably began 50 or 60 years ago when someone tried to tell us that offset stirrup irons were the way to “automatically keep your heels down.” Then came the ones with the squeaky little hinges on the bottom plate of the iron. Now it’s the ones with the slotted flange that twists 90° so the iron hangs perpendicular to the horse’s side sparing you the inconvenience of having to turn the iron with your finger as you mount.
Of the same ilk are all the varieties of newfangled stirrup leather configurations. They all prey on your Princess and the Pea sensitivities, trading the elimination of some imagined lump under the saddle flap for the inability to adjust the length of your own stirrups while mounted. You may think the federal government is taking away your personal freedoms; I’m sure it’s the marketers at State Line and Dover Saddlery!
And about dressage whips: “Telescoping?” “Aerodynamic?” “Ergonomically tailored to conform to the shape of your thigh?” No, just give me a nice balanced one with no fancy doodads that fits in my hand. It doesn’t even have to be purple.
As for those training aids that will solve your physical dysfunctions and lack of coordination—special reins with hand grips, elastic connectors that make your hands feel soft (though obtuse) to the horse’s mouth—there are dozens of them, each more wondrously extraneous than the last.
Don’t even get me started about Amerika, the mechanical horse simulator. I have written about it before:
To be fair, I know it’s easy to criticize. And I am grateful for some innovations: zippers in tall dress boots, velcroed instead of pull-on belt boots, even the Clap Off bra. (Haven’t ever seen one in person yet, though the possibility has led me to applaud many a young woman in an airport terminal. And, incidentally, I have read on the Internet that the manufacturer cautions against their absentminded use by cheerleaders or soccer moms. Fortunately, no one ever reads directions.)